Teens Today: A World Online. Part 3

 Oversharing, Sexting and Cyberbullying 

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Read part 1 and part 2 of this series.
These are three very serious subjects, they inter-relate and this is why I left them for the end, to talk about them together.

Sharing Information, and oversharing

Did you know that teens 14 to 19 send twice the number of text messages than adults, every day? And girls send about a third more than boys. That's not going into their social media usage. Kids talk, and they talk a lot. Statistics say that nearly 40% of adults under 35 regret having shared too much online.

There is a term ‘oversharing’, which aptly describes the fact that many of us share too much personal information about our lives and the lives of others online. Also known as ‘sometimes we just don't know when to keep our mouths shut’. There is even advice on how to stop ourselves (adults, that is) from oversharing online, about ourselves, our kids, spouses, and everyone else we know.

The key is: the permanent record. Like the Violent Femmes say on that song "this will go down on your permanent record", that is the truth, anything we post online is not just a permanent record, but a digital permanent record available, in the long run, to just about anyone, anywhere.

That is what we tell ourselves, and what we need to tell our teens. Posting their phone number online, once, for an hour, just an hour, before taking it off, makes that number available to every single individual online. Because if they take it off just a short while later, if one person saw it and copied the screen... it's done. It's out there, for ever!

They need to be very aware that every single thing they say and do online leaves a footprint that can later be reproduced. There is no good way to get anyone, teen or adult to do this, but drilling it again and again over time. Don't post anything about yourself or others that you wouldn't want to be seen not just now, but 15 years down the road, either. Because it'll be there.

Sexting

Sexting is the practice of sending sexually-toned messages, be it on phone, tablet, social media chat or whatever. It also includes the sending of personal provocative, nude or semi-nude photos along with the messages. I don't think this will make anyone gasp. Ever since phones exist people have engaged in erotic and sexual conversations on them (well, maybe after operators stopped being involved in the call process!) and with the advent of online chats, online talk engines and video-conferencing free software everywhere, sexting was the logical next evolutionary step. So, adults do it, and teens do, as well.

I am not here to preach, teach, or judge you or anyone, and least of all about your kids. How you teach your children about human sexuality is your decision. But be aware that sexual education for kids nowadays, when coming from you the parents, should include the subject of sexting. Sexual curiosity is only normal, kids will be kids, and regardless of what your personal views of your teen's sexual upbringing is, one huge concern you and they should have is how much they share. Chances are, if they sext, you won't be able to stop them without taking away their online privileges altogether, and that you cannot do as you would destroy their social lives in one swipe. So, the best you can do is talk to them.

Compare it to the –relatively tame- idea of posting your personal phone number online for an hour, which I mentioned. If leaving your phone number out there for an hour can mean that hundreds of people get it, have your kid imagine this: they send a compromising photo of themselves to one person in whom they have complete trust, someone they’re dating, with the promise that they’ll keep it private. Two months later they fight and have a nasty breakup. What can that person do with the photo, then?

There is one piece of advice for adults who text that is great to give your kids if you know that he or she is sexting: never put your face or anything that can link a racey picture specifically to you, on a picture that you sext.

Ultimately that is the issue. If you want your privacy respected, it starts with you. And this brings me to the last online problem.

Cyberbullying

You have heard about it. But what you don’t know is that 42% of teens say that have been bullied online at some point. It’s very difficult to compare physical and online bullying. Yes, the idea is the same but the ramifications and difficulties stemming from cyberbullying are much more dangerous.

Let me explain a term I may have used before: trolling. Trolling is the online activity of saying nasty things to other people online from the safety of your own screen, on the premise that they can’t touch you and with the sole purpose of getting under their skin. It’s one of the nastiest online habits, and kids excel at it. But again, it’s not just kids, adults do it too. Well, cyberbullying is the process of harassing and harming another person using online technology. It can be rumors, postings about someone, showing private chats that a person maintained in order to ridicule them, showing their pictures, trolling on them repeatedly and engaging others to bash them as well, all with the purpose of humiliating them.

Cyberbullying is a bit like bullying but it’s far worse. And you can think it’s not as bad as school bullying, but that’s because you don’t realize that, unlike physical bullying, cyberbullying follows kids home. It’s on their phones, their tablets and their computers. It can destroy their self-respect, self-confidence, and their mental health. You may think it sounds over the top, but let me give you an example: a teen who tried to kill herself after being repeatedly bullied online, went back on her social media after her recovery. She was told by not one but many teens –some of which she didn’t know at all- that she had even failed at killing herself and to go ahead and try swallowing a different bleach. Her name was Amanda Todd, and she was 15 when she died.

It cannot be treated with suggestions like “ignore them” or “it will blow over, you’ll see”, and it

won’t help by confronting the person doing it. Those things have been known, instead, to make the problem worse. Adolescence is the age when the personality of a person is still getting major brushstrokes of definition, and when the details start to set in. It is one of the more delicate times in the life of a person, because this is when they are developing into full grown adults, mentally and physically. The chemistry of the body is not balanced, and huge emotional pressures can have devastating long term effects.

Can you tell if your child is being bullied or cyberbullied? And how can you help?

Many parents can miss it. Because teens are ever-changing, their moods are shifting, and they may be difficult and withdrawn to start with. So the adage of “your kid becomes withdrawn and doesn’t want to talk or do anything” doesn’t quite work, unless you have a usually cheerful child. I am going to say that one trigger concern would be if a child stops wanting to hang out with his or her friends, doesn’t want to go out, and does not want to be online. That, I any teen today, would be out of sorts. Here’s a very comprehensive, insightful list of warning signs, the best I have found.

The best thing that we can do, as parents, is to stay informed, in all meanings of the term. We do that by making sure we stay in touch with the goings-on in our kids’ lives: talking and listening to them. Knowing their language, their friends, the games they play –if any-, and the social media they use. It’s not nosy, it’s involved.

One of the best ways of knowing if things are OK between your kid and his or her friends and others is, as I mentioned in a previous article, befriending them on all their social media. It’s the best way to know who their friends are and know what things are of interest to them, without interfering. It also helps you see if there’s any trouble brewing.

There is one piece of advice that I saw on one of the nicest websites to assist parents who want to educate themselves about this problem , is that you can talk to your child about coming to you with his or her problems but, to ask them to also name one adult person in your lives –an aunt, uncle, friend of the family, older cousin, whoever- that they can trust and with whom he/she would be willing to talk if there was something that was too much to bring directly to you. Talk to that other adult and make sure they’d be willing to help if something happened, and that way you know that there is someone else both of you trust to help you in case of need.

There are three things that will help you: information, communication, and prevention.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again. Do not take this problem lightly and do not

give advice that you think would work, just because it seems like common sense to you. Common sense is not something that you’ll find in bullying. Instead, if you find out that your child is being harassed, in person and/or online, the first thing to do is contact his or her school authorities and find out if the problem is taking place on school grounds as well. If so, the school has a policy and measures and (usually) a counselor that can assist you. If the school is not involved, contact your local authorities and request assistance and advice. Inform yourself.

Never encourage your child to retaliate. Not only it can backfire; if you live in a place with anti-bullying laws, the retaliation may receive the same punishment as the original crime against your child. And speaking of laws: consider going online and finding out the cyberbullying laws in your state or country. Be aware that sometimes you may not find them under cyberbullying but under bullying or harassment as your law may categorize all three together. It is possible to file charges almost anywhere against bullies, be aware that sometimes the parents of the child bullying will be responsible for their behavior. This doesn’t mean that you should talk to the parents of the bully directly, if you don’t feel that you can’t keep your head cool, or feel that it might lead to an unwanted confrontation. But it helps to know what your child’s rights are.

There is a lot of help online for these problems. Here’s a list of some of the best articles and sites that I have found covering each of the subjects on the articles in this series. I hope that you never have a bad reason to look any of them up, but rather that you use them to stay informed.

A very insightful look into how to help someone who is being bullied online My Child is Being Cyberbullied - What Should I Do?

Signs that a child is being bullied online (very good) 10 Signs Your Child is a Cyberbullying Victim

A good but controversial article on how sexting is (most likely) a normal part of teen development today Is Sexting Normal?

Urban dictionary, so that you can understand your kids, their friends, and maybe sometimes, me.